...I sometimes get myself in trouble because I don't have enough of a filter. I will talk about something, or slightly comment or even laugh or snicker in instances where in retrospect I should have just bitten my tongue and said nothing. There are also times when I purposely talk and act without a filter because I feel like the company I am keeping knows me well enough to take it all with a grain of salt, or respects me enough to know where I am coming from. I should be allowed to speak my mind and let things off my chest sometime right? It is not until later that I sit back and replay the situation in my head to see exactly what went wrong. I know I am in my own head more than most people ever take the time to really look into themselves - but I honestly can see where I go wrong. I hate that I don't have enough people in my life that I can truly just be myself with and say f**k everybody who doesn't like what I have say.
But I don't think I want to be that person either. I don't want to have the attitude that everything I says is okay and that I am above all social acceptabilities. But I do want to be taken seriously and I do want somebody to care about what I have to say. That doesn't mean I need someone to agree or someone to think that I am inspiring. I just need someone to know me well enough to consider what I feel to have some sort of importance. And it would also help if that person wasn't so self involved that I was in constant fear to discuss anything that might bring up one of their many issues. I would also appreciate the ability to come up with some sort of retort to the things I find interesting - and if not at least put on a bit of an interested face.
It is crazy in this so overpopulated world that people can coexist; live together, work together, play together - and really have no idea what the people they associate with are really all about. I am too critical of everyone around me, I know this because I find myself judging everyone silently to myself! You could be my best friend or the guy that walks his dog past my house one morning - no matter who you are - I have some sort of schema attached to who I think you are. I find as I get older and I live a little more this isn't becoming something I do less, it is definitely becoming something I do on a regular basis. There are so many people I write off and decide I don't want to be associated with and sometimes it really bothers me. There are those people I just have so little in common with that it wouldn't make sense for me to associate with - so maybe my criticisms are natural and life's way of showing us that like attracts like and evolutionarily we surround ourselves with people like us.
As bad as it sounds and as bad as it makes me feel, are my judgments really a way of natural selection? Am I striving to surround myself with people I believe are "like" me and have views and beliefs in common? Or am I simply being a snob? The other day while I was in the middle of telling someone how this one girl used to drive me crazy as a child and is now flaunting herself around like some big s**t, someone I know looked at me with almost a look of disgust. I forget what she asked me, but my reply was "oh, yeah I don't really like her". "Well, you don't like anybody" - was her response. There was obviously a little more intended with this comment, but I left matters alone without responding. I was caught a little off guard...but in reality I don't know how well this girl really thinks she knows me. She probably thinks I'm a snob and probably doesn't have much patience for my dislike of others - but again maybe that is why she is able to judge me the way she does - because these judgements are all completely natural and healthy in some evolutionary way. Her beliefs, values and ways of thinking are completely different from mine. Neither one is more tolerant of others or is living a better lifestyle. Neither her or me are perfect or will ever claim to be more than average individuals. But these judgements separate us - she understands me less than I will ever claim to understand her; therefore, our lives will never share significant moments and we will never rely on each other. I may simply be attempting to justify another one of my character flaws by making myself feel like less of an outsider and saying "Well everybody does it!" But maybe it is true, and maybe the people who support the Law of Attraction really have something going for them...
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